Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
