His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
