On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
