John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
