Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
