you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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