Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
