Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
