i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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