Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
