I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
