Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she pinky promised me she was 18
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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