Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
