R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
