Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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