i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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