I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
