I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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