I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
