I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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