Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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