its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
