was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
