I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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