I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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