Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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