did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
