I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
