I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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