Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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