I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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