So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
