Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is Oprah even human
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
