a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
