Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
