I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
