On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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