Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
OPIZZABONMYDICK
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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