Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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