Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
