some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
