allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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