Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
