I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
