Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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