wanna go halves on a baby?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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