do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
