We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
