Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
