meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
