An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
