it wasn't lemon gatorade
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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