Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
