Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
