Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
