Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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